Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Do not levitate over flowers
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.