Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.


a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder


Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.


My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.


ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung


Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.