@Michael_Erhart

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

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@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

@gavinmind

me: can I go on your yacht?
friend: no
me: why nacht?
friend: your texts are annoying
me: that’s what I thacht 🙁

@mommajessiec

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

@LorieGZ

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

@AristotlesNZ

Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.

@3sunzzz

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!

@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.