Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Y’all know who you are.