Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude


If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s


Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.


Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.


My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.


a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true


[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday