Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Good morning
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.