Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
whatcha thinkin bout
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.