If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.