“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
You Might Also Like
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
HOW DARE YOU
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
finally
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.