“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.


this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along


“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”


(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.


Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.


I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”