@TheAlexNevil

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

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@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@welivinasociety

this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

@madd_sarah

I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done

@wendchymes

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN