“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Human are so complicated
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.