My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
this has to be peak English
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.