dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
How to properly lift a body
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.