@arrroberts

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

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@caseytduncan

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’

@NoogsCorner

To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@UnFitz

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.