I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I have so many questions.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?