“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
😅🤣😂
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Mornin
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.