“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
These 3D printers are insane!
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack