Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands