@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

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@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@Vodkantots

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.

@Iwriteforcats

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

@AndyAsAdjective

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

@sir_shithead_I

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.