@kumailn

“Don’t quote me on that.” -anonymous

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@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@TheWoodenslurpy

My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.

“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”

@JessicaVarsity

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@fowlerism

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

@BoomBoomBetty

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

@ThaJawn

(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.