One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“Don’t quote me on that.” -anonymous
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My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.
“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
.. do you even science?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.