dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.


“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.


I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.


Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.


A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.


You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’


That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]


Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!


I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.