@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

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@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@juneohara65

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

@UnFitz

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@chrisrockoz

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.