We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams