I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂