I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.
It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Just wanted to say thank you…I was scrolling my tl, saw your avi, and it reminded me I needed to take out the trash.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!