@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.

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@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@Rollinintheseat

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@Jessdaisy

Just wanted to say thank you…I was scrolling my tl, saw your avi, and it reminded me I needed to take out the trash.

@Midgetspar

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!