Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Boating season is upon us.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place