How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars