Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
this chia pet tastes awful
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…