@UnicornSyrup

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

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@JermHimselfish

I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

@lazerdoov

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@internetluke

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

@MissHavisham

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*