Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

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Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.


Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.


A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.


Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.


Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.