@UnicornSyrup

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

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@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

@ClareCoffey

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

1. Create a podcast

@Jermaine_Accram

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

@LlamaInaTux

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

@just1fool

I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.