*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones
1. Create a podcast
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Brain: We got this!!
Body: Yeah, no we don’t
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.