Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me :
All Day At Night
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges