“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage