@dadthatwrites

Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.

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@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

@caliluvgirl77

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

@TheHyyyype

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.