Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.

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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!


No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.


The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.


I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.


Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.


How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any


mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok


me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842


You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.