Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds