Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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Have kids, they said
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
saving face 👀
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”