date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.