“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.