Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

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Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.


*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*


Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time


Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.


Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.


3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?





Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!


Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.


Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.