Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
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*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*
*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy
Universe: give it time
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.
Me: But, I got a mustache!
Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.