CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.