Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
(Jupiter –
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I can’t stop watching this.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that