Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.