Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”