@UnFitz

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

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@madisonfrench_

priest: it be like that sometimes

congregation: and sometimes like that it be

@david8hughes

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

@ArfMeasures

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

@a_simpl_man

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.