Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
my retirement plan is braless
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.