Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

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priest: it be like that sometimes

congregation: and sometimes like that it be


[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”


Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.


Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.


ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice


They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.


*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.