Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Hard not to take this personally
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works