Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.