Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.