I can fix him.
You Might Also Like
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*