me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.