@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

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@ronnui_

Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@hunz74

Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.

@bobvulfov

DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro

@TommyRainmaker

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.