Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
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*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”
*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.
DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.