@milehighocd: Don't take a shower when you're drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
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@blade_funner: [David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work] Extraordinary.
@Reverend_Scott: Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device Me: did you... did you bring the bomb sniffing dog? Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
@NurseSeymour: Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
@AudreyPorne: me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay cw: don't u collect human teeth?? me: yeah but they're not my teeth