How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Choose your fighter
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*