Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The news
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum