Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
still the best tweet of the year by far
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Watermelon Boss!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”