Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You Might Also Like
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
January has been Januweary
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Dead sexy!!
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks