There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.