Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great