If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]