@Schmoodles

Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

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@msevilroyslade

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

@TheToddWilliams

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

@matt___nelson

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

@SocialExtortion

I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”

@garrettbarry70

Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”

@WKirkMarshall

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

@Donna_McCoy

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.