I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”
“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.