Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.


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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.


I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?


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Help me find her before her mother comes back!


“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.


Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.


If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.