@Schmoodles

Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

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@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@AdmiralAkbrown

I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@SweetNisCupcake

I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

@evanrhorne

I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@CheryeDavis

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.