Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.


NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope


DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller



[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations


wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english


Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.


I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”


Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”


(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”


Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.