@Peauxtassium

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

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@AdderallMomma

“BANGING BODY”
Thanks
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
“…”
BOOM

@isabelzawtun

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

@junejuly12

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

@RickAaron

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

@ElleOhHell

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

@CheetoBandito77

I stepped on the scale today.

Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.

@AnOrangeSNES

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person