Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus