“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
“It has more sensors!”
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I stepped on the scale today.
Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m giving up my husband for Lent.
I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person