People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most