“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.


my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.


whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”


[Enters Building]
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”


My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.