@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

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@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@gimmefirstborn

my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@Bexdora

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

@KatWar1

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

@jennalinds

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

@fro_vo

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

@cbdoubleu

[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.