Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
#Caturday
That 👊
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Thursday Thought.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR