Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.