Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya