Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
You Might Also Like
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES